It's variety they seek
MAX (not his real name) has been having an affair right from the first day of his marriage.
He says he loves his wife but continues the affair because of his need for variety.
"We can't eat the same food every day, we do get bored but I do still love my wife."
So, if the wife behaves like a 'first-class prostitute', would he still stray?
"Yes. It's not about how good she is in bed but about having variety. Men would still stray no matter how good the wife is in bed."
Max says sex is important but not the main thing that keeps a marriage going.
"There should be understanding and a give and take.
"That is the foundation of a strong marriage."
Peter (not his real name) has been having an affair for the last four years. He has been married for 10 years.
He has a beautiful wife who is a professional but he still looked elsewhere.
"The more feathers in the cap we have, the better. I love my wife dearly and I provide her with everything she wants.
"I take her on holidays every year and I would never leave her but at the same time, I also need variety.
"It is not about how my wife performs in bed, it's just about having more options."
Read more: It's variety they seek http://www.nst.com.my/nst/articles/12srocw2-2/Article#ixzz1P375co8M
Good sex does not equal happy marriage
By Sonia Ramachandran and Chandra Devi Renganayar
nsunt@nst.com.my
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Thus, serving a husband like a first-class prostitute, as espoused by the Obedient Wives' Club, would not guarantee that he would not stray or leave.
University Malaya Department of Psychology and Counselling Associate Professor Dr Mariani Md Nor said good sex would not prevent a man from looking elsewhere.
"Men have different needs. Even if they have five or six wives, they will still look at another woman if she tries to seduce him.
"Satisfying all their sexual needs will not prevent them from looking at other women."
What couples need to do to foster a good, harmonious marriage, therefore, was to communicate effectively and be honest with each other, she said.
"Both partners have to be honest with each other, even in sexual matters. If one partner does not like something about the other, they should voice it out.
"For instance, if the wife feels the husband ejaculates too fast, then she should tell him.
"Or if the husband comes home from work and is offended when the wife greets him in dirty clothes that smells of cooking, he should tell her. Openness and honesty are very important in a relationship."
Mariani was commenting on Obedient Wives' Club (OWC) vice-president Dr Rohaya Mohamed's statement last week that a wife must obey and serve her husband like a 'first-class prostitute' to keep him from straying and to counter social ills.
OWC was founded by Global Ikhwan Sdn Bhd, an offshoot of the now defunct Islamic religious movement Al-Arqam. The statement provoked a storm of controversy both in the country and abroad.
Mariani said what usually causes a marriage to break down are financial issues, in-law problems or a lack of trust that brings about a communication breakdown which then causes a lack of intimacy between couples.
"So, sex is the last factor in the equation."
University Malaya senior lecturer and research supervisor Dr Diana-Lea Baranovich said no matter "how great the wife is in bed", it would not stop the husband from straying if "cheating is where the man's mind is".
"What about setting up an 'obedient husbands club', where husbands learn how to be respectful of their wives and where they learn how to work as a team with all the demands of work obligations and child rearing?
"Now women don't have the luxury of staying at home and shining the husband's shoes while looking beautiful all the time for the husband. Marriage is now about honesty and shared responsibilities," she said.
University Malaya Department of Education Psychology and Counselling senior research fellow Professor Dr Suradi Salim said men do not seek prostitutes because they are not satisfied with their wives' sexual performance but because they want variety or because a prostitute is convenient for that moment.
Suradi, who is also a member of the Women, Family and Community Development Ministry's Board of Counsellors, said most men cheat because they are not satisfied with what they have.
"They could be dissatisfied because of their wives' nagging, because they find her unattractive or even because she is a bad cook.
"Marriages break down because of this lack of satisfaction. When you're in love, your partner always seems perfect but after marriage, the flaws start becoming apparent and incompatibility sets in," he said.
Consultant psychologist Valerie Jaques said many men, who are having sex in their marriage but still have sex with other women, and even men, do so because of some form of addiction to feed the need of poor self-esteem and low confidence.
Jaques said many women were made to believe that they do not have rights in their marriage and only the husband's rights should be met.
"If women in polygamous marriages see their roles as 'whores in bed' as the definition of a wife or life partner then this is a very sad situation."
Dr Shanthi Thambiah, associate professor of the gender studies department at the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences at University Malaya, said a marriage should be egalitarian and if it is not, it may become oppressive and abusive.
"Sex can be oppressive if it is regarded as a demand for constant sexual fulfillment for only the husband with no regard for the wife's well-being and her needs."
What do you think? Send your views to nsunt@nst.com.my
Read more: Good sex does not equal happy marriage http://www.nst.com.my/nst/articles/12srocw-2/Article#ixzz1P3886BV6
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